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Drink responsibly, wear your masks, and for the love of god stay the heck inside
We’re approaching month six of quarantine, I think? I don’t know. Time is an illusion. However long we’ve been trapped in this level of Hell, one thing is certain — this shit sucks. So why not do a bit of day drinking, since that’s kind of all we’ve got left! Yeehaw
SUPPLIES
Drink of choice
One empty cup
A general sense of dread
RULES
1. WFH
Take one drink anytime the words “new normal” or “unprecedented” are used to kick-off Zoom meetings
One drink for every person in the meeting using a virtual background
Every time there’s a collective break so that everyone can show off their pets, take a drink
2. Endlessly scrolling
One drink every time your aunt who you don’t really talk to posts stuff on Facebook like, “Things are too political these days! Let’s have some fun! Spell your name in emojis, I’ll go first!” with a picture of Minions
Two drinks if it’s a post you’ve already seen before because you spend a lot of time on Facebook now (stop it!)
3. The brands
Every time a company emails you to tell you that “now more than ever” you can count on them and you should buy their shit, take one drink
Two drinks if it’s a real stretch, like “now more than ever, you need to try our new chicken sandwich”
4. Takeout take-over
One drink if you ordered Postmates or Ubereats twice in one day
If the same driver shows up with your food both times —ouch— finish your drink
5. Personal maintenance
Pour a bit of your drink into the empty cup every time you think “I should cut my own bangs”
If you actually do it, drink the cup
6. Mask up
Take one drink if you see someone wearing their mask so it only covers their chin, and feel free to scowl
Two drinks if you’re the person not wearing the mask right, and it has to be something gross like a warm lite beer because you don’t deserve to enjoy it. Wear your mask correctly, dweeb!
7. It’s all a blur, man
One drink every time you realize you have no idea what day it is
(Stop drinking if drinking is the reason you don’t know what day it is)
8. Newfound passion
For every new house plant you’ve bought since the beginning of quarantine, take one drink
If you’ve named them, make it two drinks
9. Catching up
If you and your friend planned a Facetime hangout but it only lasted like, five minutes because neither of you have anything to talk about because nobody’s done anything since March, you both take one drink
10. Family time
One drink every time your mom calls you to complain about how long grocery store lines are
One drink for every text your dad sends you that’s just a link to a news article confirming that yes, things are still bad
11. Still getting used to things
Take one drink every time you forget you’re wearing a mask and try to sip something through a straw, or smile at someone and then realize that they can’t see your mouth so you’re definitely just staring like a weirdo
12. Oh god oh no
One drink for every “is that a fucking tickle in my throat” freakout you have
If you end up Googling “do I have COVID”, waterfall drink through the search results until you remember you just have seasonal allergies
