How To Carve A Pumpkin You Can Have Sex With

‘Tis the season!

Pumpkin carving is as time-honored a fall tradition as hot apple cider and turning leaves. But if there’s one feature most carved pumpkins severely lack, it’s a hole you can fuck. Usually they’ve got like a ghost face on ’em … or a witch face on ’em … and, yeah, they’re fun to look at but they’re almost impossible to put your dick in.

Spend a crisp autumnal night nutting into a pumpkin by following these simple steps:

1) Cut a hole in the top of the pumpkin. It doesn’t matter the size cause this is NOT the hole you’re gonna fuck.

2) Take in the smell of the pumpkin while you can cause it’s about to smell much worse in here.

3) Scoop out that gross goopy stuff in the pumpkin but NOT ALL OF IT. Trust us that you’re gonna want some of that gross goopy stuff.

4) Turn on Netflix, go to Thrillers and put on Wild Things.

5) Now that you’re hard, you’re ready to measure the girth of your penis. Length is irrelevant so only measure that if you’re curious.

6) Once you have the girth of your penis, match it up to one of the pumpkin carving patterns found here.

7) Print out the pattern and put it on your pumpkin.

8) Carve along the dotted lines to make your “Glory Hole.” Call it a “Gory Hole” if you wanna feel more festive.

9) DO NOT PUT A LIT CANDLE IN THE PUMPKIN!!!! THIS IS TRADITIONALLY SOMETHING THAT HAPPENS WHEN CARVING PUMPKINS BUT NOT THIS TIME!! TRUST US!!

10) Tell your pumpkin she’s really cute but she’d be a lot prettier if she smiled a bit.

11) Place penis in hole and just go to fucking town on that gourd. (Aren’t you glad you saved those pumpkin guts?!)

OH SHIT WE FORGOT STEP 1 WAS “LOCK THE DOOR!” GO BACK AND DO THIS FIRST!!

13) If you forgot the “lock the door” step, make your fuck pumpkin into a pie for your roommate so he forgives you.

Originally published October 2014