First be sure to properly woo yourself

When making love to a woman, it is important to behave like a gentleman. The same rules apply when making love to yourself.

1.

Take it slow. A gentleman mustn’t rush right into sex with himself, as this would be brutish and uncouth. A gentleman must first woo his penis.

2.

Display common courtesy. Politeness is key. A gentleman always tips his hat before lowering his pants.

3.

Avoid discussing politics or religion. Your penis may be standing erect, but you don’t know where it stands on the issues, so keep the conversation light.

4.

Be attentive. Ask your penis, “How was your day?” If it responds, “Hard,” be sure to laugh, as your penis has just made a funny joke.

5.

Call your father and ask for his blessing. A gentleman always asks his penis’s father’s permission before pleasuring himself. This should be easy since your penis’s father is also your father, so you probably have his number.

6.

Use a gentle touch. A gentleman is never rough with his penis. A gentleman is firm yet tender, and always puts his penis’s needs before his own. Never bend or break your penis.

7.

Display old-fashioned chivalry. When pleasuring yourself on a sidewalk or by the side of the road, be sure your penis is furthest away from traffic. This makes the penis feel protected, and reduces your risk of being hassled by the 5-0.

8.

Never let another gentleman touch your penis. Your penis belongs to you and you alone. If another man tries to seduce your penis, you must defend its honor. If it comes to fisticuffs, be sure to tuck your penis between your legs where it will be safe.

9.

Never let a lady touch your penis. A gentleman finds women confusing and scary, and therefore, highly uncouth. If a woman attempts to besmirch your penis’s good name by placing her hands on it, scream, “No!” and run away as fast as you can (being careful not to alert the 5-0, because of your priors).

10.

Never let a cop near your penis. A gentleman will often find himself nude on the side of the road being tased by the pigs for resisting arrest. In this situation, a gentleman must never allow himself to be tased directly on the penis or ballsack. Not only is it highly improper, it hurts real bad. A gentleman should instead raise his nude buttocks skyward, so that they absorb the brunt of the tasing, and cry until the pigs feel sorry for him.

11.

Your penis is too pretty for jail. It is imperative that a gentleman do all he can to keep his beautiful penis out of prison (a very uncouth place indeed), even if it means slicin’ up some Bacon, if you catch this gentleman’s drift. Oink, OINK, motherfuckers.

12.

Always be polite while on the run in Mexico. After knifing those piggies and makin’ ’em squeal real good, a gentleman will want to hot-wire their squad car and make a speedy getaway. Opening the door for his penis first, a gentleman should gun it, blowing all red lights, until he reaches sweet freedom in Mexico. Upon beginning your new life as a gringo fugitive, you’ll want to start pleasuring yourself again right away. It is important to remember that adapting to a new language in a foreign land is no excuse for behaving like anything less than a gentleman. When screaming in Español at the local boy you pay to keep an eye out for the Donut Patrol while you pleasure yourself on a Mexican back road, be sure to mind your manners:

Incorrect: “¡Oye chico, gritar si ves a la policía!” (“Hey kid, holler if you see the 5-0!”)

Correct: “¡Oye chico, por favor, gritar si ves a la policía. Gracias!” (“Hey kid, please holler if you see the 5-0. Thank you!”)

13.

Make an honest penis of your penis. By now, you and your penis have been through a great deal together, and it’s time to make things official. That’s right, it’s time for you and your penis to be married. Keeping an eye out for roving members of La Nuestra Familia, a prominent gang at the Mexican prison where you are currently incarcerated, get down on one knee, take your penis in hand, look directly into its eye, and ask it, “Will you marry me?”. If your penis says, “I will,” you may then go to the warden with the good news and begin making arrangements for your gala prison wedding. If your penis says nothing, however, the answer, sadly, is no. A gentleman must respect his penis’s wishes, whatever they may be.